Founding Belief

Age: 29 years, 6 months, 21 days

  I don't remember the exact series of events that led to me creating this website and my business, but I do remember deciding I needed a belief to base them on. This type of belief could be used to determine the decisions I make, but I also want it to be the main idea I communicate.

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  I used to struggle to identify with people when they said they were glad they survived a suicide attempt. After I intentionally took more of a lethal medication than prescribed, I believed I would never be in the same position as the people I was listening to.
  One day, I was talking to a therapist and told them, “I’ll never be happy I’m alive.” I was certain when I said it. They told me there was no way for me to predict the future, therefore there was no way for me to be certain. On a logical level, I knew they were right, but I was stuck because I couldn't think of a single action I could take to make myself happy.

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  When I wrote my first gratitude list, I knew it wasn't going to make me happy. The only reason I did it was the respect I had for the person that asked me to try it. Because she asked, I sat down each night and wrote down five things I was grateful for from that day.
  Eventually, I transitioned from nightly reflection to being grateful for a moment as it happened. This instantaneous gratitude was important. It removed the need for me to feel good for a moment to have value. This reframed my relationship with the claim, “I’ll never be happy I’m alive,” by helping me realize I don't need to be. Now, I know it’s enough to be grateful I’m alive.

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  I originally thought hope required me to abandon all pessimism. I no longer believe this. Despite being grateful I'm alive, I still believe, “I’ll never be happy I’m alive,” with the same certainty I first did.
  Even without my pessimism changing, my life is better than it was the first time I made that statement. This taught me that even if my worst predictions come true, my life can get better in ways I couldn’t imagine.

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  Looking back to when I struggled to identify with people who were glad they survived a suicide attempt, I see my biggest issue was a belief I needed to be happy. Because of this, I only tried things I believed would make me happy. It required trying something I didn't think would help for my situation to get better.
  At this point, I'm not certain creating this website is what's best for me, but I believe it's worth trying. What I do know is if I only communicate one thing, I want it to be this: I can always improve the situation I'm in. I may not know how yet.